I went out tonight with three of my friends. Hit the batting cages (somehow none of us were as good as we thought we were in high school), went a little overboard with the Laser Tag (highest score, again!) and took in some beers. It was a good time.
I think it was the drinking that finally gave me the courage to watch the DVD of Hope's celebration. Today was May 7th and her service was Jan 11th, so it only took me 115 days to finally watch it. It was something that I have been both dreading and curious to watch. There were so many thoughts, feelings and emotions during that time that I wondered if there were things that I just overlooked or hadn't noticed. After watching it I realized that there wasn't much that I didn't remember being said or done, which surprised me a little. Watching it did however bring back so much emotion that I'm sure it'll be a long time before I watch it again. There were some really great moments and words said that I would like to keep fresh in my mind but the return of such deep and raw emotions makes it hard to concentrate on the details.
It did reinforce to me just how difficult things must have been for Jake. Not just during her final month but in the months and even years leading up to her passing. I realize how powerful (somewhat surprisingly power) my emotions are when I think of her, and I know that to Jake's they probably pale in comparison yet he has done a tremendous job dealing with everything. For me she was a sister (and a great one at that) and friend. For Jake she was so much more. I wonder how I would hold up if our roles were reversed and I lost Anna. I really don't think I would be able to handle it as well. I think the biggest "help" for Jake is that is occurred over such a long period of time. If I were to lost Anna in some type of sudden accident I would imagine it would be many times more difficult. In a weird way having months to process her condition and the inevitability of her survival has made it easiest (or at least easier) for him.
Many times Anna says she would be totally (and emotionally) comfortable if she could just live in a bubble with me and the kids and not have to interact with the rest of the world. At times like these that doesn't sound like such a bad/crazy idea. It would drastically cut down on the chances of her getting shot by some random wacko or killed in a car accident. But as great as it sounds it wouldn't be much of a way to live.
As I said in my last post, Jake is slowly moving on and that's a good thing. I'm happy for him and I don't feel that he needs to follow anyone's time line for grieving. We all find our path to recovery in situations like this much like we all find out paths in other aspects of life. He should do what he feels is right for him, and the boys. If that doesn't fit into someone else's expectations so be it.
A random thought to end this post: Anna has just finished up year 3 of her PhD program, 1 more year of class then a year (or more) of research for Thesis before I have to call her Dr. Todd, PhD. I'm so proud of her! She has had a tough time of it this year but she made it through. She's often talked about stopping, that she doesn't have quite the drive/interest in it anymore. I don't blame her and have always lived by the principle that you shouldn't do something if it doesn't make you happy. Either way, she's done an amazing job, she's accomplished so much more then many people who come from her upbringing. I just want her to be happy.
I love and miss you Hope. I love you Jake (in a brotherly way!). And I truly, madly, deeply love you Anna. Oh and should anyone ever read this I don't want Tina to feel left out so, I love you too (in a 2nd wife kind of way, :-) ).
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Relay 4 Life makes me cry
This past weekend was the Relay 4 Life event back in Brevard County, FL. I was just looking at pictures from several of Hope's friends that participated. I hate that is upsets me so much to see so many reminders that Hope is gone. It just still seems so surreal that I'll never see her again. Makes me regret not being more involved with her and Jake when we lived so close together. For 3 years we only lived 10 minutes apart and looking back on it I feel that we didn't see each other enough, although we did do lots of stuff together. I guess part of that is due to the fact that my family just was never the type that saw each other multiple time a week (heck my mom lived a few blocks down the street for 8 months and I only saw her 2-3 times). But still I feel like Hope/Jake and Anna/I should have hung out even more.
I wonder if it will ever truly get to the point where I don't get upset thinking of her. Will it or will it just be easier to deal with? Part of me wants it to stop and the other part of me feels guilty for wanting that, but I suppose both of those feelings are normal. It has only been 4 months since he died (but from my earlier post tonight it's long enough for me to be ok with Jake hitting the single scene so there's a little bit of irony).
Is it weird that I think of her every day and more times then not that I cry a little when I do? She was the closest family member I had and my friend. I get so angry when I think about why it had to be her. I keep telling myself that there has to be a reason and right now I'm just not able to see it but someday will. I keep telling myself that over and over because it I don't I think I'll get too angry to deal with this. It truly has made me question the whole God concept. I've never been someone that really believes that there is some higher power and having Hope die makes it even harder. Because if there is a God, what reason could there possibly be for him/her/it to allow Hope to have suffered so much and to die at such a young age with a great husband and two young boys to raise. And that's when I return to saying there must be a "bigger picture"; that there was a reason; that there was meaning or some greater purpose to all of this and I'm just not able to see right now, cause what king of God would have let this happen without a reason?
I wonder if it will ever truly get to the point where I don't get upset thinking of her. Will it or will it just be easier to deal with? Part of me wants it to stop and the other part of me feels guilty for wanting that, but I suppose both of those feelings are normal. It has only been 4 months since he died (but from my earlier post tonight it's long enough for me to be ok with Jake hitting the single scene so there's a little bit of irony).
Is it weird that I think of her every day and more times then not that I cry a little when I do? She was the closest family member I had and my friend. I get so angry when I think about why it had to be her. I keep telling myself that there has to be a reason and right now I'm just not able to see it but someday will. I keep telling myself that over and over because it I don't I think I'll get too angry to deal with this. It truly has made me question the whole God concept. I've never been someone that really believes that there is some higher power and having Hope die makes it even harder. Because if there is a God, what reason could there possibly be for him/her/it to allow Hope to have suffered so much and to die at such a young age with a great husband and two young boys to raise. And that's when I return to saying there must be a "bigger picture"; that there was a reason; that there was meaning or some greater purpose to all of this and I'm just not able to see right now, cause what king of God would have let this happen without a reason?
Keep on, Keepin' on..
Got a phone call from Jake last night. It was one that I knew was coming for a few weeks but it was still a little odd to get it. He has been hanging out with a really great friend of Anna's that lives in FL. We've known her for years and Jake has meet her multiple times so they're fairly well acquainted. Anyway, seems he likes her and felt that he needed my permission (and Anna's too I'm sure) for it to be "ok" that they continue to hangout on what I'm sure is a more personal level. I honestly don't have any issues with Jake getting back into the singles scene. Some might feel it's a little soon, but it's not like my sister dead in some sudden accident. Hope was sick for a long time, longer then I ever knew and from Jake's point of view the Hope he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with has been gone a lot longer then 4 months.
Anyway, he called and we talked for about 30 minutes before he got around to asking if I was comfortable with the two of them "hanging out together". I told him it was fine, as a matter of fact I told him that he doesn't need to worry about me when it comes to his decision to hangout or date women. It's more important to me that he be happy because I know that Hope told him the same thing. I don't expect him to be a monk for the rest of his life, he has way to long to live for that to be realistic. Plus the boys will need a woman in their life that isn't a Grandmother or Aunt at some point. My biggest concern is that he not jump into anything too fast. He needs to take his time, get his feet wet a little before moving on to something long-term/serious. Although if things were to go that route with this one person I don't really think I'd have a problem; but only because I've known her for years and think she could use a great guy like Jake.
I know Hope told him it was ok to find someone else one day, that she didn't want him to be lonely. It just seemed so odd that he would be nervous about what I would think while at the same time I just want him to do what makes him happy. It is somewhat reassuring to see that he is trying to keep his life going. He stays so busy with his company and the boys, I'm amazed that he has time/energy to pursue an adult social life.
Here's to you Jake, may you find someone that helps fill that Hope sized hole inside you. Keep on, keepin' on!
Anyway, he called and we talked for about 30 minutes before he got around to asking if I was comfortable with the two of them "hanging out together". I told him it was fine, as a matter of fact I told him that he doesn't need to worry about me when it comes to his decision to hangout or date women. It's more important to me that he be happy because I know that Hope told him the same thing. I don't expect him to be a monk for the rest of his life, he has way to long to live for that to be realistic. Plus the boys will need a woman in their life that isn't a Grandmother or Aunt at some point. My biggest concern is that he not jump into anything too fast. He needs to take his time, get his feet wet a little before moving on to something long-term/serious. Although if things were to go that route with this one person I don't really think I'd have a problem; but only because I've known her for years and think she could use a great guy like Jake.
I know Hope told him it was ok to find someone else one day, that she didn't want him to be lonely. It just seemed so odd that he would be nervous about what I would think while at the same time I just want him to do what makes him happy. It is somewhat reassuring to see that he is trying to keep his life going. He stays so busy with his company and the boys, I'm amazed that he has time/energy to pursue an adult social life.
Here's to you Jake, may you find someone that helps fill that Hope sized hole inside you. Keep on, keepin' on!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Feeling like there's no one to talk to...
My wife and brother-in-law both post to a blog as a means of self-therapy so I figure I'll give it a try too..I do not expect anyone to ever read these but maybe just writing things out will help me. The last 5 months have been the most stressful and emotionally difficult of my life and I really think I need to find an outlet. There are 3 people that I would feel comfortable talking with about all this; my wife Anna and brother-in-law are two of them and it's difficult enough for them to be going through all of this too so I don't feel like I can dump on them. The other is my sister Hope and having a two-way conversation with her now is pretty difficult.
Today marked the 16th week since Hope passed away following her fourth battle with cancer. She was barely 36! For her, my brother-in-law Jake and I'm sure many others in her hometown the last 6-8 months of her life were very difficult. She was not in very good shape, both physically and mentally due to her repeated battle with cancer. However for me, living 625+ miles away in NC it was very difficult to experience, so getting told at Thanksgiving that she was going to die in a matter of weeks was very shocking and difficult to deal with. I was not able to see her ups and downs over all those months and to process things like Jake and my mother did. I hope that that is one of the factors in Jake's ability to deal with everything and to be able to move on with life (he is now a single dad of two great young boys). For me, I still feel like I'm playing catch-up on the emotions. I still think of Hope everyday and at times feel like in doing so I'm obsessing over her. I also have a very strong urge to talk with Jake everyday, thankfully we are both so busy that I actually rarely get the time. I'm afraid that if I did talk to him every day that I would start to annoy him so I guess it's a good thing I don't.
I guess the reason I feel the need to talk with him so much is that I look at him and the boys as the only way for me to maintain some form of contact with Hope's memory. She was the only person in my family that I was close with and not having her around anymore is a lot harder to deal with then I ever expected. To me she was more then just an older sibling, she was a friend. Growing up she was the one person I always looked up to, the one that taught me how to ride a bike in the first grade, the one that always had my back when my older brother felt the need to show us "who was boss", the one that made sure her friends didn't shut the door on me whenever they all hung out at our house, the one that made her high school boyfriend drive me to school too whenever he picked her up (BTW - Jake was that boyfriend).
I'm sure that all of this is fairly normal stuff to feel and to deal with and I really hope that as time goes on all these emotions with stop taking over so much of my life. I often find myself reacting to things differently then I normally would and hope that it doesn't upset Anna too much. She has said a couple of times that I seem happy (I'm not, but it's not due to any fault of hers so I never say anything) so maybe my behavior isn't stressing her out any more than she normally gets. I almost hate to say this but of all my family members that this could have happened to I wish it had been someone else. Losing Hope had been like losing the only real family that I had. I know my parent's love me (having two kids of my own has proven that a parent's love is unconditional) but neither one of them was as huge a part of my life as my sister.
Well since this is just my first big, meaningful post I'm going to stop here. I know that I have plenty of other posts to delve into everything further and there's no need to try and do it all in one post. To anyone that ever comes across this or any of my future post, feel free to comment but please do so anonymously. I'm not sure how I'd feel knowing exactly who is reading any of this, I'm simply doing this as a way of "talking" things out without having to find a friend to listen who can truly understand how I feel.
I miss you terribly Hope, more then I expected too! Keep a watchful eye on your three Wise men and I will do my best to watch over them also.
Today marked the 16th week since Hope passed away following her fourth battle with cancer. She was barely 36! For her, my brother-in-law Jake and I'm sure many others in her hometown the last 6-8 months of her life were very difficult. She was not in very good shape, both physically and mentally due to her repeated battle with cancer. However for me, living 625+ miles away in NC it was very difficult to experience, so getting told at Thanksgiving that she was going to die in a matter of weeks was very shocking and difficult to deal with. I was not able to see her ups and downs over all those months and to process things like Jake and my mother did. I hope that that is one of the factors in Jake's ability to deal with everything and to be able to move on with life (he is now a single dad of two great young boys). For me, I still feel like I'm playing catch-up on the emotions. I still think of Hope everyday and at times feel like in doing so I'm obsessing over her. I also have a very strong urge to talk with Jake everyday, thankfully we are both so busy that I actually rarely get the time. I'm afraid that if I did talk to him every day that I would start to annoy him so I guess it's a good thing I don't.
I guess the reason I feel the need to talk with him so much is that I look at him and the boys as the only way for me to maintain some form of contact with Hope's memory. She was the only person in my family that I was close with and not having her around anymore is a lot harder to deal with then I ever expected. To me she was more then just an older sibling, she was a friend. Growing up she was the one person I always looked up to, the one that taught me how to ride a bike in the first grade, the one that always had my back when my older brother felt the need to show us "who was boss", the one that made sure her friends didn't shut the door on me whenever they all hung out at our house, the one that made her high school boyfriend drive me to school too whenever he picked her up (BTW - Jake was that boyfriend).
I'm sure that all of this is fairly normal stuff to feel and to deal with and I really hope that as time goes on all these emotions with stop taking over so much of my life. I often find myself reacting to things differently then I normally would and hope that it doesn't upset Anna too much. She has said a couple of times that I seem happy (I'm not, but it's not due to any fault of hers so I never say anything) so maybe my behavior isn't stressing her out any more than she normally gets. I almost hate to say this but of all my family members that this could have happened to I wish it had been someone else. Losing Hope had been like losing the only real family that I had. I know my parent's love me (having two kids of my own has proven that a parent's love is unconditional) but neither one of them was as huge a part of my life as my sister.
Well since this is just my first big, meaningful post I'm going to stop here. I know that I have plenty of other posts to delve into everything further and there's no need to try and do it all in one post. To anyone that ever comes across this or any of my future post, feel free to comment but please do so anonymously. I'm not sure how I'd feel knowing exactly who is reading any of this, I'm simply doing this as a way of "talking" things out without having to find a friend to listen who can truly understand how I feel.
I miss you terribly Hope, more then I expected too! Keep a watchful eye on your three Wise men and I will do my best to watch over them also.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Posting just to post
Didn't want this Blog to get cobwebs so I'm adding another entry. It's been a really long time since my last entry and so much has gone on since then I wouldn't really even know where to start so I'm starting with a short and meaningless post.
I'm hoping to actually make a meaningful post next time, stay tuned.
I'm hoping to actually make a meaningful post next time, stay tuned.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Um, Wow...
I just saw this and thought I would share. It's kind of funny and very scary. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have your kid say, "It's fun to do bad things." I'm sure the grandmother wants to do more than just "whip his behind."
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