Liquid courage.

I went out tonight with three of my friends. Hit the batting cages (somehow none of us were as good as we thought we were in high school), went a little overboard with the Laser Tag (highest score, again!) and took in some beers. It was a good time.

I think it was the drinking that finally gave me the courage to watch the DVD of Hope's celebration. Today was May 7th and her service was Jan 11th, so it only took me 115 days to finally watch it. It was something that I have been both dreading and curious to watch. There were so many thoughts, feelings and emotions during that time that I wondered if there were things that I just overlooked or hadn't noticed. After watching it I realized that there wasn't much that I didn't remember being said or done, which surprised me a little. Watching it did however bring back so much emotion that I'm sure it'll be a long time before I watch it again. There were some really great moments and words said that I would like to keep fresh in my mind but the return of such deep and raw emotions makes it hard to concentrate on the details.

It did reinforce to me just how difficult things must have been for Jake. Not just during her final month but in the months and even years leading up to her passing. I realize how powerful (somewhat surprisingly power) my emotions are when I think of her, and I know that to Jake's they probably pale in comparison yet he has done a tremendous job dealing with everything. For me she was a sister (and a great one at that) and friend. For Jake she was so much more. I wonder how I would hold up if our roles were reversed and I lost Anna. I really don't think I would be able to handle it as well. I think the biggest "help" for Jake is that is occurred over such a long period of time. If I were to lost Anna in some type of sudden accident I would imagine it would be many times more difficult. In a weird way having months to process her condition and the inevitability of her survival has made it easiest (or at least easier) for him.

Many times Anna says she would be totally (and emotionally) comfortable if she could just live in a bubble with me and the kids and not have to interact with the rest of the world. At times like these that doesn't sound like such a bad/crazy idea. It would drastically cut down on the chances of her getting shot by some random wacko or killed in a car accident. But as great as it sounds it wouldn't be much of a way to live.

As I said in my last post, Jake is slowly moving on and that's a good thing. I'm happy for him and I don't feel that he needs to follow anyone's time line for grieving. We all find our path to recovery in situations like this much like we all find out paths in other aspects of life. He should do what he feels is right for him, and the boys. If that doesn't fit into someone else's expectations so be it.

A random thought to end this post: Anna has just finished up year 3 of her PhD program, 1 more year of class then a year (or more) of research for Thesis before I have to call her Dr. Todd, PhD. I'm so proud of her! She has had a tough time of it this year but she made it through. She's often talked about stopping, that she doesn't have quite the drive/interest in it anymore. I don't blame her and have always lived by the principle that you shouldn't do something if it doesn't make you happy. Either way, she's done an amazing job, she's accomplished so much more then many people who come from her upbringing. I just want her to be happy.

I love and miss you Hope. I love you Jake (in a brotherly way!). And I truly, madly, deeply love you Anna. Oh and should anyone ever read this I don't want Tina to feel left out so, I love you too (in a 2nd wife kind of way, :-) ).