Relay 4 Life makes me cry

This past weekend was the Relay 4 Life event back in Brevard County, FL. I was just looking at pictures from several of Hope's friends that participated. I hate that is upsets me so much to see so many reminders that Hope is gone. It just still seems so surreal that I'll never see her again. Makes me regret not being more involved with her and Jake when we lived so close together. For 3 years we only lived 10 minutes apart and looking back on it I feel that we didn't see each other enough, although we did do lots of stuff together. I guess part of that is due to the fact that my family just was never the type that saw each other multiple time a week (heck my mom lived a few blocks down the street for 8 months and I only saw her 2-3 times). But still I feel like Hope/Jake and Anna/I should have hung out even more.

I wonder if it will ever truly get to the point where I don't get upset thinking of her. Will it or will it just be easier to deal with? Part of me wants it to stop and the other part of me feels guilty for wanting that, but I suppose both of those feelings are normal. It has only been 4 months since he died (but from my earlier post tonight it's long enough for me to be ok with Jake hitting the single scene so there's a little bit of irony).

Is it weird that I think of her every day and more times then not that I cry a little when I do? She was the closest family member I had and my friend. I get so angry when I think about why it had to be her. I keep telling myself that there has to be a reason and right now I'm just not able to see it but someday will. I keep telling myself that over and over because it I don't I think I'll get too angry to deal with this. It truly has made me question the whole God concept. I've never been someone that really believes that there is some higher power and having Hope die makes it even harder. Because if there is a God, what reason could there possibly be for him/her/it to allow Hope to have suffered so much and to die at such a young age with a great husband and two young boys to raise. And that's when I return to saying there must be a "bigger picture"; that there was a reason; that there was meaning or some greater purpose to all of this and I'm just not able to see right now, cause what king of God would have let this happen without a reason?